LITTERAE
Multilingual literary magazine

Innocent Jokes

  My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last
 --------------------------------------------------------
 
 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
    have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
    She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.
 
 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario
    and mine is in B.C.
 
 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
    way back.
 
 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
    anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a
    long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
 
 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 
 
 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
    and electric bread maker. Then she said,
    "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
    sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
 
 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
    because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
 
 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.
 
 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
    "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver
    said, "No, jump in!"
 
 10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause
     of divorce.
 
 11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start
     with marriage.
 
 12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
     first name was Always.
 
 13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
     I don't like to interrupt her.
 
 14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
     "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
 
 15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
     Then God created man and rested. Then God created
     woman............
        Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
 
  16. Why do men die before their wives?...............
        Because they want to
 

Computer problems

"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"
[Slam]

 
 Signs seen around the World
 ----------------------------
 
 Cocktail lounge, Norway:
 LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
 
 At a Budapest zoo:
 PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO  THE GUARD ON DUTY
 
 Doctors office, Rome:
 SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
 
 Hotel, Acapulco:
 THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
 
 In a Nairobi restaurant:
 CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
 
 On an Athi River highway:
 TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
 
 On a poster at Kencom:
 ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
 
 A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
 DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
 
 In a Pumwani maternity ward:
 NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
 
 In a cemetery:
 PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
 GRAVES.
 
 Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
 GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
 
 Hotel elevator, Paris:
 PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
 
 Hotel, Yugoslavia:
 THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
 CHAMBERMAID.
 
 Hotel, Japan:
 YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
 An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
 TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
 
 A laundry in Rome:
 LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
 
 Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
 TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE  NO MISCARRIAGES.
 
 Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
 WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
 
 Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
 WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 
 

 FBI Dog
--------
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personel director, "you'll have to meet some
strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words
per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per
minute.

"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete
the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must
be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"


Star Players
-------------
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed
to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in
there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question,
and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed,
so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay,
now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What
is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had
got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just
goes to show who's driving who crazy.

  Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
 
       
For Ladies Only

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? -> You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity! to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for
it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.